Over at Kelly's Corner Blog she has people link on her page about different topics. I hardly ever participate but I felt inclined to do so this week.
This week on Show Us Your Life (SUYL) the topic is what books we are currently reading. Well, since I had Jackson back in December I have been extremely overwhelmed with taking care of both Matthew and Jackson. I never felt a lack of bond between Jackson and me but when he cries....my heart starts to race and I worry worry worry so much when he spits up all morning. (which is practically every morning)
I finally decided I might be suffering from some kind of Post-partum anxiety / depression. I ordered 3 books that are wonderful because they made me realize that I could have it much worse and I hope that sharing my story through this post might help someone else that is going through the same feelings that I have.
Here are the three books:
First of all...if you are suffering from any anxiety or depression after having a baby...don't wait to get help...just because there is a stigma on mental illness doesn't mean that it is something to be embarrassed about.
About 6 weeks after having Jackson, I started to freak out every time he would cry. My motto was...if he is crying then I am not doing my motherly duty and I am failing. To make matters worse...he spit up ALL THE TIME. Sometimes it seemed like he was spitting up more than I was feeding him. Because he liked to EAT ALL DAY...I just knew that he wasn't getting enough milk...especially since he was spitting up all the time. Every time he spit up it was like someone was hitting me in the stomach...sometimes it even made me sick at my stomach.
It was simple...I was failing him, whether it was something I ate or by sitting him down to gets some chores done or tend to Matthew. It seemed like as long as I was sitting and holding him he wouldn't spit up...but as soon as I put him down...up would come his entire meal (or only a small amount of it) but in my eyes he was spitting up A LOT. I felt so guilty having to sit him down to tend to Matthew...but I felt so guilty having to sit and feed Jackson when Matthew desperately needed a poopy diaper change or to eat lunch.
Then, the stress started getting to me and I started to feel LOTS of resentment toward Seth. He would never do what I thought he should do around the house. He would work...but unless it was something that I needed done I didn't see that he was doing anything. It got to the point about 2 weeks ago that when Matthew and Jackson were crying, I had a vision of throwing Jackson down to go tend to Matthew and I knew that I needed some help. It horrified me to have that thought go through my head and I know I would NEVER do anything like that. So I made an appointment to see a psychologist and she made me feel so much better.
Since I am breastfeeding we had to be careful with what medications I took...We decided to try the lowest dosage of Zoloft. So far it seems to be making me feel better but I think it could take up to 4 weeks for me to notice a big difference. She also prescribed BuSpar which is for anxiety but I am only supposed to take that as needed. So far I haven't needed it!!!
In the past week that I have been taking Zoloft I have not had one anxious thought of 'throwing Jackson down' THANK GOD. Now the next part of my therapy is to see a counselor about these issues so hopefully I don't have to take the Zoloft very long.
Please do not wait to get something like Post-partum depression or anxiety checked out. Even if your just feeling overwhelmed it can't hurt to see someone and talk through your concerns.
An Innocent Victim
6 months ago