Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Hunger Strike!!!!

So either Matthew is attempting to wean himself from me or he is developing a hunger strike. The LC #5 today thinks he is ready to move on from breastfeeding. Honestly, I do not know what to think about that!!! At first I was completely devastated. I know that I am not ready emotionally to 'move on' and have him wean from me...but I want to do what is best for my little guy. I feel so rejected and alone right now.

Moving on...Matthew had a dermatologist appointment today for his hemangiomia (sp?) and I was hoping that the doc would take him off the propranolol completely today but she wants him on it for 2 more weeks. We go back on the 23rd for a follow-up and laser treatment. Seth will get to go and see a laser treatment done so maybe he will understand why I always wanted him with me when I went for those treatments back at the beginning.

Looking back on the past 5 months seems like a lifetime. Now that I have gone back to work, I feel that I really didn't like my 'normal' life before Matthew. I absolutely LOVE being a mother to little Matthew Wayne. I will really miss those days that I spent alone with Matthew when Seth was at work. At the time I would get so frustrated because I was sitting at home all by myself, without a break and constantly upset because Seth was late...but now I wish I could have all of that time back. I am starting to realize that my life with Matthew will never be the same once I start back to work in the fall. Tonight when I put him to bed...I just held him so close and tight. He was squirming around and just wanted to be put down but I couldn't for a while. He is just getting sooooooooo big...not necessarily in size but in attitude. Man I long for those evenings where he would just fall asleep in my arms while I was sitting on the couch watching American Idol or some other show.

Pray that I find more of those moments and that our breastfeeding will not stop. It is so hard to believe that I resented feeding him for so long in the beginning. Well on the bright side, now I know the rewards of bonding for when we decide to have our next child.

I hope that Matthew will always know that he is truly my knight in shining armor!!!

Good night!

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